Where the mind is without fear

Have you ever felt robbed of your peace? Have you forgetten your usual self, lost your confidence and felt compelled to do what you wouldn't have done under normal circumstances? Have you felt your heart beat faster also a bit erratically and your breath turn deep and hollow?

Of course you have. Who hasn't? Everyone has their moments of misgivings. Only, it gets unbelievingly dismaying when its a constant companion.

Fear, the forbidden feeling

Fear is my worst enemy. Its the only wretched feeling that's stayed. Surprisingly there is no reason for it now. I know for one its my mind. It can make or break me and the alarming part is I have no control over it when it grows the devil's horns. Its almost like a distant part of me then and yet I fall prey to it. And I wish I could cast it away like a fisherman's net far out into the sea, purge it of all its folies and then wear it. Like a helmet.

I like having people around but am scared of the effect some have on me. Ironically they have been the only reason to bring out the best in me or the worst. Maybe its not all that surprising. After all, the book did say 'Tough times never last but tough people do'. But then if those tough people stayed with you longer, wouldn't tough times last that much longer? For me its always people who have brought about tough times. There's nothing as upsetting as people who intentionally or unintentionally rub me the wrong way.

The sorry part is I am not made of sterner stuff. I deal with the predicament badly and eventually am the worse for it.

The bully at school

As far as I can remember I have always been scared of someone. In school it was classmate, my partner, a big bully. Years later when I told mummy about my ordeal with that girl she said I should have stood up for myself and taken matters into my hand. I didn't do any of that but endured. I would pray at my doorstep before leaving for school that she would leave me alone. I would cower, my mind would become numb, my tongue heavy and my thoughts would draw a blank. She scared the lights out of me with her over bearing, nasty self, vicious fights and terrible mood swings. I was at a loss. My grades suffered and I felt ravaged. My mind kept going to her, as repugnant as she was, words failed me and the ink stopped flowing from my pen. I knew something was amiss with her but why was I letting her make my life miserable when she was the embittered one?

From fear flowed rage, all bottled up but when the year was gone, so it did it disappear into thin air.

Rogues on the road

As I grew up my main fear stemmed from eveteasers. They were everywhere; on the footpath, at shops, bus stands and even the most unexpected of places like the Oberoi hotel. They were a bigger menace than the roaches that bred by the hundreds and crawled fearlessly at night. Straying hands, lecherous looks, repulsive gestures and dirty expletives was a common affair. Yet there were girls who dressed boldly and walked confidently. I took courage from them but the pinches didn't reduce. I would be livid with rage but never summoned the courage to look the scoundrel in the eye. Big festivals like the Ganapati festival, dahi handi, holi became breeding grounds for these rascals. It didn't matter what you wore or how you looked, you just needed to be a girl. Am sure if not for us, they would have letched at a female goat.

If God ever grants me a wish, I would hope for the devils to be in their hearts.

My unending hubby hunt

Sigh! What do you do when you fall in love with someone and make a perfect unlikely pair? You let good sense prevail, give up on love and move on. I couldn't, for the life of me, find a suitable boy for myself. I went to a popular college, attented youth conferences but came away twidling my thumbs. I didnt feel bad about it. But later when my parents started looking out for me, I wished I had found someone, anyone who would deliver me from the evil of an arranged marriage. For years, it rid me of my sleep for I liked noone, not even the Ivy leagues. I felt no compatibility and felt helpless and vulnerable. I knew I was getting on age and couldn't let my parents toil endlessly. At the same time I couldn't imagine being with someone I had little or nothing in common with. Marriage scared me and the prospect of an arranged meeting had me toss and turn at night.

Fear definitely had an appetite for me.

Now am in Canada where nobody bothers you and you are free to be yourself on the streets unlike in India. School days are long gone and with them the dreadful days with the bully and most of all I have the most wonderful husband I could ask for. Life's come full circle and like I said there's no reason for fear now. But even now as I write this, I feel an eerie sensation creep up me - only this time I am determined to walk tall.