Looking back ... and beyond

What a ride its been! And now as I look back at the days gone by, it is with an upheavel of emotions, amongst which a strange sense of pride tinged with self pity. Pride for coming through what I considered daunting and pity for going through the struggle, enduring the loneliness and that sinking feeling so familiar it felt like an inseparable part of me. There were days when I gropped with reality and then again some that seemed so effortlessly smooth that I wished they lasted a wee bit longer. In short a year thats revealed a different side of me - the 'me' without my protective cover, my emotional blanket that's kept me warm and secretely content through the years and made me the person I am.

Its ironical how life gives you what you once fancied and now long forgotten. And when it does come your way out of the blue due to certain unavoidable circumstances, it throws your life out of gear. Only this time the timings wrong. Your interests different. Your priorities changed.

I am talking about going back to grad school for a course in French linguistics after a five year gap of absolutely no exposure to the language. I remember in college I would often wonder what it entailed to study abroad and think those lucky to have gotten the chance to step into the unknown where freedom, the opportunity to think and fend for yourself helps you be your own master. Truly. The idea was so deliciously invigorating then, I would have lapped up the chance I got years later. He was, after all, not insensitive to my unspoken words. I am amused and bewildered at the way He works it out for you.

He puts you to test.

I met my fiance two years back and we would have been married by now but for his 'US Green card'. More like a stern disapproving red than an encouraging green, it meant not bringing your spouse to Obama land till the Green card holder got his or her citizenship. Santosh needed two and a half years to get his. Till then I had to make do with the best workarounds. The easiest and the most plausible solution to my Green card woes was to go back to being a student again either in the US or Canada.

So Canada it was and has been for the past ten months with frequent trips to Santosh which are more like getaways.

Stepping into school life was like walking on hot coals. Guarded, cautious and a tad unsure. I took comfort in what my friend had said about feeling at ease by the third month of the stay. I waited for December and hoped for that new found laissez-faire attitude.

I also hoped that school would help me settle in. My first memories of school were being most intrigued by the students. Nearly all looked like runaway models. Detached, confident, with every hair in place even if it was a tousled look. My first class was a mix of PhD students, students like me pursuing a masters and a sizeable number of undergrads. I kept to myself. I observed. Summed up the person's life sitting next to me. Dramatic but fun. After all we have grown up under the impression that people in the west are individualistic with the don't-mess-with-me attitude who get what they want.

I made a few friends amongst which some French Canadians and a few from the French speaking parts of Africa. Interestingly I got along splendidly with them. Beneath those unabashed looks and the confident gait, lay the same mixed feelings of apprehension, excitement and most of all feelings of wanting to be accepted. The more we spoke, more I realised that, after all yes, feelings are universal. I settled in faster. I was one of them.

I felt a warm glow.

Months rolled and winter gave way to spring and finally the sun peeked sharply through the clouds. It not only brought with it days of skirts and flats but also meant the end of the academic year was drawing closer. I ploughed through the assignments, shivered through the presentations and when I was done with all the courses I started work on the summer project with renewed enthousiasm.

And rightly so, my graduate supervisor was a kind, approachable man whose main interest other than a good project that touched upon all the important concepts and read well was, the timely completion of the project. I smiled.

When it was all over and I got my grades, I smiled. I Knew I had come thorugh it all, managed a language I hadn't heard or spoken for years before delving into it at a higher level but I still didnt feel that sense of achievement. The last day I went to see my grad supervisor. After a long chat when I got up to leave, he gave me a peck on each cheek and said 'c'etait un plaisir de travailler avec toi.' (It was a pleasure to work with you.)

I smiled and felt that warm glow again.

I had achieved.